sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day