The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
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There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Breaking news:
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
bias laundering edition
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I WON A HAM TODAY
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you