[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
You Might Also Like
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“TGIM!” – My liver
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”