Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school