*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT