After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
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The hardest thing Vision has to do
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.