Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
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Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery