I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Have kids, they said
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me