When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: N臎co dal拧铆ho?
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Lance isn鈥檛 really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
If only
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 馃槶
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you鈥檙e diabetic he doesn鈥檛 care
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Maybe she鈥檚 born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?