judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
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She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.