Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
.. do you even science?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.