I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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secret recipe
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Stop sending me this shit.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]