Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
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What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.