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I’d … I’d rather not.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Y’all know who you are.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
A couple who are silly together stay together.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry