me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
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It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*