i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
plant them where lol
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy