I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
@funTweeters
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝