Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
You Might Also Like
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Tremendous stuff
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.