I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
fixed it