I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You Might Also Like
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.