My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
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[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits