If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
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Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
mariah carrie
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.