Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on