“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
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[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?