How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
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cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
where do you see yourself in five years?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET