[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
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*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.