If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
knights of the ikea table
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”