Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.