Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”