My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
You Might Also Like
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.