You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.