Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
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You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
*seductively corrects your posture*
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.