Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
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“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Butt weight. There’s more!
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
SPLOOT
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.