had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
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Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*