I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?