Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I need a headline like this
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
What my back needs
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?