My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
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Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed