geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
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To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played