little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
You Might Also Like
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You are what you delete.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle