My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
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I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “