If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Not today.. 😂
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Finally a use for spoilers…