No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.