It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
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Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.