Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
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can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.