Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him