Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
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Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Cashiers are always checking me out
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to