My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
You Might Also Like
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
yeah no that’s fair
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.