Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.