A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
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Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Jogging has never helped my memory.