I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
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[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”